Baby Skills College (BSC)

We are thrilled to be offering some new elective courses for the spring semester.  See below for ways to expand your mind and your talents.

Physical Education

Supported Standing 101: Learn how to stiffen your legs so people are forced to help you stand up even if they would like to put you in a seated or lying down position. 

Death Grip 201: Meant to be taken after “How To Identify Things That Will Hurt if You Grab Them With Your Sharp Talons”, this course will teach you how to latch onto things so tight that people 30 years your senior and ten times your size won’t be able to pry your little fingers open.

Improved Neck Control 351: Learn how to hold up your head for extended periods of time so you can smile at things other than your parents.

Boob Boxing 101: Now that you are learning better hand and arm control, put that to work by punching Mommy in the boob while you’re nursing.  This course can be combine with Death Grip 201 to make nursing time the most exciting it’s ever been!

 

Foreign Language

Baby Rosetta Stone 101: Perfect the art of animatedly babbling nonsense and making grown adults babble that same nonsense back to you.  Wouldn’t it be funny if they knew what you were really saying?  Probably, but who knows.

Baby Rosetta Stone 201: Learn the language of ceiling fans, paintings of flowers, air conditioning vents, and blank spots on the wall. 

 

Culinary Arts 

Blood From a Stone 401: Learn strategies for attempting to extract milk from shoulders, necks, your own hand, and Daddy.  Your culminating project for this exciting class is to give Mommy a hickey in a conspicuous place in order to embarrass her at school.

 

Music

Pterodactyl Shrieks 201: Taken as a follow-up to “Joyful Noises 101”, this course helps you to elevate your noises to a whole new level.  While in Joyful Noises 101, you learned how to add some adorable yells to your coos, here you will demonstrate to anyone within a two-mile-radius just how developed your lungs are getting.  The final exam involves a documented study in how long it takes to burst Mommy’s eardrum.

 

Fine Arts

Abstract Art 101: See how much fun spitting up can be!  Learn about the aesthetic appeal of various spit up placements and timings.  For example, your first project will involve draping a long stream of spit up down Mommy’s shirt five minutes before leaving the house for work.  Learn such techniques as the Secret Spit Up (Mommy won’t notice it until she’s halfway through the day!), The Fountain, and the You Thought I Was Done, But I Wasn’t.  That last one, when properly done, involves at least three outfit changes for Mommy or Daddy, and them giving up on putting you in clothes at all.

 

Stay tuned for more exciting courses coming up, and, as always, keep on learning and growing!

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2 thoughts on “Baby Skills College (BSC)

  1. I think Gabe subscribes to most of these classes. He must be getting an A in Abstract Art 101 for sure. We had two days in a row of ‘The Fountain’ leading into the ‘You Thought I Was Done, But I Wasn’t.’ Six freaking outfit changes.

    • YES. It’s like they sense fresh clothes and are like, “Whew, PERfect. I didn’t want to vom on top of vom. That would be gross.”

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