I am 8 weeks postpartum, and large. I bought a pair of large jeans so I could get out of the maternity jeans and feel semi-normal. Then they shrank in the dryer. I cried, and vowed to start a diet, and began making a plan.
10:00 am. “I need to go on a diet. I’ve lost weight before, it’s not hard. I just need to make sure I’m doing it in the right way. Here’s what I’ll do. First step. I will drink nothing but water. Just water. WATER IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE BEVERAGE, AND THAT IS ALL I WILL BE DRINKING. 100 OUNCES OF WATER A DAY.”
10:08 am. “Coffee has practically no calories. Coffee is like the anticalorie. Plus it wakes me up so I can go run all of those miles in the morning! Need coffee. COFFEE AND WATER ARE THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE BEVERAGES.”
10:11 am. “Except I just bought all of that juice. I don’t want to waste it. Wasting money is almost as bad as being this fat. It doesn’t make any sense to just throw away the juice. Okay. I will drink the juice until it is gone. Then I’m actually saving money, and juice is made of fruit, so it’s healthy. So that’s fine. COFFEE AND WATER AND JUICE ARE THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE BEVERAGES.”
10:15 am. “Oh, and Husband got me a wine fridge for Christmas. I need to use that. And wine is made of grapes, which are fruit. Andplusalso, I think wine gets its color from the color of the skins of the grapes. And I’m sure that grape skin has fiber or something in it. So I’m getting fruit AND fiber from wine. So that’s got to be good. COFFEE AND WATER AND JUICE AND WINE ARE THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE BEVERAGES.”
And that is the story of why I was drunk at 10:30am.