Let me begin by saying this: when I registered for my wedding, the employees gave me a glass of champagne and finger foods. I wandered around the store in a fizzy, tipsy little bubble, snacking happily, and had a wonderful time.
This is not what baby registering is like.
There is no champagne.
There are no finger foods.
I know we’re not supposed to get all liquored up to make the pain of registering for thousands of dollars in baby gear a little easier, so I get that. But come on: not a brownie? not a cookie? A waffle, perhaps? Granted, I was registering at Babies R Us, which is, I’m fairly certain, where sanity goes to die. Nothing like wandering shell-shocked around a store, scanner in hand, while making dull eye contact with other desperate shoppers who are juggling 8 different kinds of the exact same product and reading labels helplessly.
I was armed with Baby Bargains and the cheatsheet from Lucieslist.com, both of which proved infinitely more helpful than the Babies R Us employees. But even still, I found myself blindly scanning things after a half hour or so, promising myself that I’d update the registry online when I got home. The beeping sound grew very soothing.
At the end of the day, I ended up with four main questions that I suspect will never be answered. They are as follows.
1. Can’t I just have a registry that says, “Don’t come at me with any of that character/pink princess/manly boy bullshit”? And if not, why not?
2. Why is every exersaucer/play mat/bouncer/swing an ADHD nightmare? Seriously, every single one of those things boasts more and more features. “Plays 74 sounds!” “187 activities!” No wonder kids have no attention span these days. What activity in real life could possibly live up to that?
3. Why is every damn thing in Babies R Us imprinted with some sort of Disney or Pixar character? Why is that necessary? Why do I need every inch of my house to be covered in Winnie the Pooh paraphernalia? Why, if I have a girl, does she need to be outfitted head to toe in Disney princess vomit?
4. Why are there only 7 things in the entire Babies R Us store that are gender neutral? That may be an exaggeration, but not by much. Half of the things that looked gender neutral to me showed up on the scanner as being for ‘boy,’ so I assume that’s what people will think, though we don’t know the sex of Fetusaurus yet, and would want gender neutral things anyway. Who wants to buy a whole new wardrobe if you have a second baby of a different sex? Plus, all of the girl stuff burns my eyes with its pinky pinkness.
In the end, I have attempted to register for the least visually offensive things that modern baby-having will allow. I have attempted to find prints that have a variety of colors. I believe I have finished my registry. But it was painful, and I wanted champagne.