Reading Your Way to Neuroses

As a reader (and a former English teacher) myself, I fully intend to have the house stocked with books.  I want bookshelves crammed with them, piles of them on the floor.  Growing up, my kids will know that reading is something that we do.  I want them to love reading, and understand the joy of learning about new things.  That said, I fully intend to purchase the following books, which will likely drive them into therapy. 

1.  That’s Not Your Mommy Anymore, by Matt Hock, illustrated by Aja Wells

That’s right.  Here, Fetusaurus, let’s read this before bed.  Here’s how you’ll know if you’ll have to put Mommy down someday. 

I love this.  We are going to have a copy in every room, because as we know from The Walking Dead, you never know when the zombie apocalypse will happen.  Best to be prepared.  Also, let it be said that the dog seems useless.  “I…I think I hear a zombie coming?  I’m pretty sure something’s touching my ear?  But I’m not sure…”

2.  Monsters Eat Whiny Children, by Bruce Eric Kaplan

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because they do.  SO QUITCHER BITCHIN’ ABOUT BATHTIME. 

3.  All My Friends Are Dead, by Avery Monson and Jory John

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amazon calls this a “children’s book for adults”, but I’m getting it anyway.  Because all his friends ARE dead!  Best not to sugarcoat things. 

I’m going to keep looking for books that teach the important lessons: if Mommy is a zombie, show no sympathy, shoot her in the face; stop whining; stuff dies.

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