Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not one to miss a meal. In fact, if I miss a scheduled mealtime, I go into something of a downward spiral. If I could eat all of the time and not gain a pound, I would be a happy camper. So when my OB told me that I should eat 5-6 small meals a day, I said, “Are you KIDDING? This is my dream come true!” I went immediately out to the grocery store and stocked up on healthy, snacky foods, like cheese sticks, granola, fruit, frozen veggies, whole wheat crackers, and carrot chips. I was READY. I was PREPARED for my healthy graze-a-thon.
Then Fetusaurus reared his/her fetus-y head and said, “Actually, we’re not hungry for any of that, Mommy. We don’t want any food. Nothing sounds good.” And we’re not. Absolutely nothing sounds good, and the real kicker is that keeping something in my stomach is the only thing to keep the nausea at bay, so I’m spending all day cramming things down my gullet that I don’t want. Actually, I should amend this. There are a few things that the Fetusaurus wants, and none of them have anything to do with what I spent all my money on at the store. They’re not cravings, they are just the only things in the world that sound remotely appetizing to me at the moment. These are the three things that Fetusaurus apparently wants.
1. Nestle Crunch Thin Mints Bar
I tried to tell Fetusaurus that these aren’t even RELEASED yet, that it will be a month or more before we see them. “I don’t care, Momsie,” Fetusaurus whispers, tapping his/her little webbed paddles on my uterus. “Want. Make it happen.”
2. Jimmy John’s
“Fetusaurus,” I roll my eyes, “it’s carbs and cheese. We can’t even have lunchmeat, so we have to get the veggie sub, which is carbs and cheese and mayo with a light sprinkling of veggies. Not healthy!” Fetusaurus sighs. “Ma, I don’t care about healthy. Ask for extra mayo. And get potato chips and then put them IN the sub. And then order another sub for later.”
I never order nachos. Never. If someone at the table orders them, I’ll nibble, but I never order nachos for myself, because there is so little redeeming nutrition in them. “Mama,” Fetusaurus’s little voice complains, “Mama, I don’t care about healthy, but there’s corn in the chips. And calcium in the cheese. And protein in the meat. Avocados are good for you. And look, it’s got those little slivers of green onions and jalapenos on the top. Those are vegetables, Mama. Get some nachos and don’t share.”
As of right now, I am still trying to forcefeed Fetusaurus healthy food. And he/she is grounded to my uterus for the next 7 1/2 months. YOU STAY IN THERE AND DON’T COME OUT.