As I’ve said before, I’m sure that once Fetusaurus comes into the world, we will be proud owners of many things that our carefree, childless selves would never have dreamed of. We will be lugging around bags and carts full of nonsensical supplies that Laura Ingalls Wilder’s parents most assuredly did not haul around the plains as they set up their homesteads (“Pa! I can’t make this car seat snap into the saddle! MARY, STOP CRUNCHING TEDDY GRAHAMS INTO THE HORSE’S FUR.” “Ma, you’re going to have to figure it out on your own. This goddamn stroller won’t fold down, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to fit it into the wagon WITH the Pack-n-Play.”).
That said, however, there are some things that I cannot for the life of me imagine myself buying with a straight face. Like this.
Pardon my language, but what in the flying fuck is this? Well, I’ll tell you. This is called a Peekaru, and is, according to Together Be, the manufacturers, a fleece vest that fits over any baby carrier to keep both you and baby warm. It costs $79.95.
Here are the things I can understand about this:
1. It keeps baby warm, and if you live in one of those pesky Northern states, like I used to, even the fall days can get a little brisk, not to mention the subarctic winters. And keepying baby warm should be a priority.
2. I’m not sure where the above picture came from. I can’t find it on the website, and most of their clothing is modeled by invisible people, so I can only assume that this is a satisfied customer, or from a catalog somewhere.
3. Sometimes you probably want to go for a walk AND have your hands free AND keep your baby warm.
4. That baby seems to be happy because he finally found daylight.
Here are the things I cannot understand about this:
1. Why, post childbirth, when you are seemingly thin, like this lady is, would you want to put a gigantic blue condom-like top on yourself, rather than dressing your child for the weather? “No need for hats and jackets today, kiddo! Today you’re going to be peeking out of a viewing hole between Mom’s boobs!”
2. $79.95 for a gigantic tube sock with two head holes and two arm holes? Really? Is it aerodynamic? Is there a hidden stash of weapons in case you run into a bear in the woods? If the kid ducks his head inside is it incredibly spacious, with toys and light-up games?
3. Why would you want an article of clothing that inescapably reminds people of this:
At least that little guy got to get out and feel the fresh air.