Stupid Pregnancy Questions, Part I

Since I’m not telling anyone I’m pregnant yet, outside of a few family members and co-conspirators (and if you’re my friend and somehow stumbled on this blog, shhhh, pretend you don’t know), I have been going on TheBump.com’s message boards for help and guidance.  I’m new to this whole knocked-up thing, so I’m sure that I will have my own Stupid Pregnancy Questions as time goes on (hence the ‘Part I’ of the title).  As is, I assume, clear by now, I am woefully inept at anything science-y or bodily function-y.  If you explain it to me, I can probably write you a poem about it, but that’s about it.  At any rate, while trolling the message boards, someone brought this gem of a post to my attention.

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Now, obviously, while reading this, several thoughts came to my mind.  They are, in order, as follows:

1.  Do people really douche anymore?  It’s been widely reported that douching actually disrupts the natural bacteria you have going on down in your lady bits, and that you shouldn’t do it.  I didn’t realize that people still douched for real; I thought douches were only still relevant as an insult.

2.  If you are a clean freak, good luck with your baby and its projectile vomit/pee/poo/snot.  No, really.  Have fun.

3.  Did you know that the baby isn’t actually in the part that you’d be cleaning?  That’s like saying you want to live in a clean environment and only hosing down your garage.  With spring-scented water. 

4.  *snerk*  The snorting sound, which was pretty excruciating due to my lingering congestion, was when I got to the part about waterboarding.  This is the conversation I imagine happening:

Lady:  This is good for you, baby!  So fresh, so clean!

Baby:  I SURRENDER!  I’LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT!  I HAVE THE INFORMATION! 

Lady:  You need to live in a cleeeeean environment, baby.  Here, have some Ocean Mist-scented water!

Baby:  *sputter*  I HAVE MY RIGHTS, YOU KNOW!  YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME; I’M AN AMERICAN-CONCEIVED FETUS! 

Lady:  You’re a fresh and clean-smelling, bacteria-free fetus!  Yes, you are!

Baby:  I WANT TO SEE MY LAWYER!   

5.  The face kind of resembles what I imagine a slightly seasick fetus would look like.  Post-waterboarding, when he’s sitting alone in the interrogation room awaiting legal representation that likely won’t come. 

6.  If you douche regularly while you’re pregnant, does that make your child a douche automatically, due to the constant contact?  When I think of most of the douches I know, they mostly have douchey friends, because they always hang out together.  So will her baby automatically be kind of a douchecanoe because of his mom’s constant douching?  Tough to say.

Best of luck to this lady and her DoucheFetus!  I hope that her delivery is squeaky clean, with no unnecessary mess.  Ha!  Just kidding.  I kind of hope she’s one of the people who poops while she’s pushing.  Happy Friday!

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