Since I’m not telling anyone I’m pregnant yet, outside of a few family members and co-conspirators (and if you’re my friend and somehow stumbled on this blog, shhhh, pretend you don’t know), I have been going on TheBump.com’s message boards for help and guidance. I’m new to this whole knocked-up thing, so I’m sure that I will have my own Stupid Pregnancy Questions as time goes on (hence the ‘Part I’ of the title). As is, I assume, clear by now, I am woefully inept at anything science-y or bodily function-y. If you explain it to me, I can probably write you a poem about it, but that’s about it. At any rate, while trolling the message boards, someone brought this gem of a post to my attention.
Now, obviously, while reading this, several thoughts came to my mind. They are, in order, as follows:
1. Do people really douche anymore? It’s been widely reported that douching actually disrupts the natural bacteria you have going on down in your lady bits, and that you shouldn’t do it. I didn’t realize that people still douched for real; I thought douches were only still relevant as an insult.
2. If you are a clean freak, good luck with your baby and its projectile vomit/pee/poo/snot. No, really. Have fun.
3. Did you know that the baby isn’t actually in the part that you’d be cleaning? That’s like saying you want to live in a clean environment and only hosing down your garage. With spring-scented water.
4. *snerk* The snorting sound, which was pretty excruciating due to my lingering congestion, was when I got to the part about waterboarding. This is the conversation I imagine happening:
Lady: This is good for you, baby! So fresh, so clean!
Baby: I SURRENDER! I’LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT! I HAVE THE INFORMATION!
Lady: You need to live in a cleeeeean environment, baby. Here, have some Ocean Mist-scented water!
Baby: *sputter* I HAVE MY RIGHTS, YOU KNOW! YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME; I’M AN AMERICAN-CONCEIVED FETUS!
Lady: You’re a fresh and clean-smelling, bacteria-free fetus! Yes, you are!
Baby: I WANT TO SEE MY LAWYER!
5. The face kind of resembles what I imagine a slightly seasick fetus would look like. Post-waterboarding, when he’s sitting alone in the interrogation room awaiting legal representation that likely won’t come.
6. If you douche regularly while you’re pregnant, does that make your child a douche automatically, due to the constant contact? When I think of most of the douches I know, they mostly have douchey friends, because they always hang out together. So will her baby automatically be kind of a douchecanoe because of his mom’s constant douching? Tough to say.
Best of luck to this lady and her DoucheFetus! I hope that her delivery is squeaky clean, with no unnecessary mess. Ha! Just kidding. I kind of hope she’s one of the people who poops while she’s pushing. Happy Friday!