Anyone will tell you that science has never been my strong suit. There are certain basic things that I understand, but anything more complex (and involving math) is somehow beyond me. Genetics, for example, completely baffles me. Case in point: I had no idea that it was possible for two biracial parents to produce these:
And then, years later,do it again.
What in the holy hell. I cannot even begin to fathom how this would happen. Genetics are completely over my head and beyond me. There are a few things I know about genetics, and these things have led me to believe that my friends’ genes are conspiring against me. I know (or think I know) the following things.
Thing 1: Somehow, some strange, primordial genetic rule keeps the world’s population fairly balanced between men and women. This has led me to the (possibly/probably wrong) conclusion that between my friends and I, we should have a pretty even split. Therefore, every girl that is born to someone I know is reducing my chances of having one, and increasing my chances of having to purchase a football pee-catcher for some child who will grow up and want to keep calendars of partially nude women in his room.
Thing 2: Twins are rare. Twins run in my family. I read somewhere that it’s passed down by the father’s gene, which mine would be. But then I read another article that said that this is likely not correct. In either case, three friends of mine are pregnant with twins (Update: FOUR friends. Sweet Moses, is there something in the water?), which I am taking to mean that in our friend circle, the twin thing is spent, and we will not have any. I will either have single babies, or go in completely the other direction and birth a litter/soccer team.
Thing 3: Having a baby with a hand growing out of its head is equally rare. None of our friends have had any of those yet. Or a hermaphrodite baby, that we know of. So if a few other people have babies before us that are physically normal and in one gender camp or the other, we will probably have a Hand-Head-Hermaphrodite baby. Not that I have anything against our potential Hand-Head-Hermaphrodite fetus. But finding hats that fit will be a problem. Then again, he/she can go as half a moose for Halloween. Costume: done.
Thing 4: Babies tend to be a mix of both parents. Other people tell you that the baby got both of your best features. But what if it didn’t? If HHH fetus got a combination of my husband’s darker skin and my albino skin, he/she would be a nice caramelly color. Maybe he/she would have beautiful, dark curly hair (that may or may not help to cover up the hand for formal occasions). Maybe he/she would have blue eyes like mine. Ormaybe we’ll end up with a beach-ball-shaped albino kid with a red afro. And two sets of bits and pieces. And a hand growing out of his/her head.
Based on the above four things that I know about genetics, here is my vision of what our as-yet uncreated fetus would look like:
He/she apparently has no feet, either. Because all of our friends’ babies have feet. He/she would actually be about 400 pounds heavier, but the South Park avatar generator has no morbidly obese hermaphrodite clown options (hint, hint, guys: there’s a market for it), so I had to leave that out. He/she is holding an axe because he/she is mad that he/she has spent a lifetime with confusing lady/man bits, a hand growing out of his/her head, no feet, and an increasingly likely shot at dying early of obesity-related illnesses. Mommy loves you, pumpkin!