Genetics and The Laws of Even Distribution

Anyone will tell you that science has never been my strong suit. There are certain basic things that I understand, but anything more complex (and involving math) is somehow beyond me. Genetics, for example, completely baffles me. Case in point: I had no idea that it was possible for two biracial parents to produce these:

And then, years later,do it again.

What in the holy hell. I cannot even begin to fathom how this would happen. Genetics are completely over my head and beyond me. There are a few things I know about genetics, and these things have led me to believe that my friends’ genes are conspiring against me. I know (or think I know) the following things.

Thing 1: Somehow, some strange, primordial genetic rule keeps the world’s population fairly balanced between men and women. This has led me to the (possibly/probably wrong) conclusion that between my friends and I, we should have a pretty even split. Therefore, every girl that is born to someone I know is reducing my chances of having one, and increasing my chances of having to purchase a football pee-catcher for some child who will grow up and want to keep calendars of partially nude women in his room.

Thing 2: Twins are rare. Twins run in my family. I read somewhere that it’s passed down by the father’s gene, which mine would be. But then I read another article that said that this is likely not correct. In either case, three friends of mine are pregnant with twins (Update: FOUR friends.  Sweet Moses, is there something in the water?), which I am taking to mean that in our friend circle, the twin thing is spent, and we will not have any. I will either have single babies, or go in completely the other direction and birth a litter/soccer team.

Thing 3: Having a baby with a hand growing out of its head is equally rare. None of our friends have had any of those yet. Or a hermaphrodite baby, that we know of. So if a few other people have babies before us that are physically normal and in one gender camp or the other, we will probably have a Hand-Head-Hermaphrodite baby. Not that I have anything against our potential Hand-Head-Hermaphrodite fetus. But finding hats that fit will be a problem. Then again, he/she can go as half a moose for Halloween. Costume: done.

Thing 4: Babies tend to be a mix of both parents. Other people tell you that the baby got both of your best features. But what if it didn’t? If HHH fetus got a combination of my husband’s darker skin and my albino skin, he/she would be a nice caramelly color. Maybe he/she would have beautiful, dark curly hair (that may or may not help to cover up the hand for formal occasions). Maybe he/she would have blue eyes like mine. Ormaybe we’ll end up with a beach-ball-shaped albino kid with a red afro. And two sets of bits and pieces. And a hand growing out of his/her head.

Based on the above four things that I know about genetics, here is my vision of what our as-yet uncreated fetus would look like:

He/she apparently has no feet, either. Because all of our friends’ babies have feet. He/she would actually be about 400 pounds heavier, but the South Park avatar generator has no morbidly obese hermaphrodite clown options (hint, hint, guys: there’s a market for it), so I had to leave that out. He/she is holding an axe because he/she is mad that he/she has spent a lifetime with confusing lady/man bits, a hand growing out of his/her head, no feet, and an increasingly likely shot at dying early of obesity-related illnesses. Mommy loves you, pumpkin!


2 thoughts on “Genetics and The Laws of Even Distribution

  1. Just found your blog and I’m loving it. Every post has me laughing out loud–especially this one! These are exactly the type of thoughts that go through my head!

    • Thank you almost a year late! Clearly I am right on top of things. Hope you’re still stopping by to read every once in a while!

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